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| Thursday, May 24th, 2012 | 9:37 am
[zinnea]
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Dear Carolyn: Ever since my husband left me five years ago, it seems I attract women friends in the process of divorce who want me to give them emotional support. However, I'm not good at it. First, it brings flashbacks of the most painful time in my life. Second, I know there are two sides to every story. My formerly best friend, who divorced her husband for not being emotional enough, did not appreciate my saying that I thought he loved her, and he was steady, and this was painful for him. Now another friend, whose marriage I admired because her husband was very communicative and loving, is acting in a way that's heading straight for the judge. She's furious with him for reasons I don't understand; when I went to a dinner party at their house, he could do nothing right. She provokes him by, for example, bringing in yet another animal, when he doesn't even like the many she has already. Carolyn, what do I do? I'm inclined to keep my mouth shut, which has led me to stay away from her. I know the pain and misery coming up, and it's giving me post-traumatic panic of sorts. Do I owe her anything? How can I keep from saying, "Brenda, if you think counselors are too expensive and time-consuming, you ought to see how expensive and consuming divorce is!" -- Terrible at Support I wouldn't say you're terrible at support; you're emotional, yes, and it sounds as if you were more honest than your best friend wanted you to be, but I could argue that both of these put you in a better position to help the people you love. I do think you need to offer clear disclaimers, though, when a friend starts confiding in you on her marriage: "Warning, my own experience makes me want to steer everyone away from divorcing," and/or, "I get flashbacks to my own divorce, so I might need breaks" -- or, if you really don't want any part of it, "I'm too biased/traumatized to help you with this." But I suspect the last isn't really what you want to say; you've gone mum with your fight-picking friend, yes, but apparently against an impulse to speak up, to save her from herself. Or at least from letting angry inertia end her marriage before she has fully thought it through. So, if it will help you sleep at night, then try saying this, once: "Are you OK? You seem to have your dukes up around (Husband) lately." Don't warn or lecture, just prop the door open and wait. If she wants your opinion, then she'll have the chance to ask -- and if she just wants friendly validation for her excuse to blow up her marriage, then your refusal to give it is a gift. Where I do see trouble is in your viewing others' marriages (or divorces) only through the lens of your own. It's one thing to have relevant experience; it's another to be so influenced by it that you can't distinguish between your own feelings and someone else's. If you're not confident that you can distinguish other people's circumstances from your own, or can hold a friend's hand without getting dragged to the edge, then do please recuse yourself ( Carolyn's advice is good on the surface but... ) | 11:10 am
[jocelyncs]
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Annie's Droolfest: Crawl After Your Abusive, Absent Father, Dammit!
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of the house, saying I forced him to behave the way he did. I always apologized because it was easier if I kept the peace. Three years ago, my parents separated. Just before Mom and I moved out, Dad and I got into a huge argument, and he nearly punched me. I did not speak to him for six months. Since then, there's been a thaw in our relationship. He even apologized (which he never does) and seemed more understanding. When I saw him at Christmas, we had a great time together. However, he hasn't spoken to me since then. There was no fight or argument. I've tried to call him several times to make plans or just talk, and he has ignored my calls and doesn't respond to my voicemails. He broke every coffee date I made, and instead of telling me, he informed my brother or mom that he couldn't make it. Dad is obviously avoiding me, but I have no idea why. I'm tired of his imaginary issues and "nobody loves me" attitude. Should I confront him and find out why he stopped talking to me or forget him? — Confused and Exhausted ( The Annies are predictably drippy. I am livid. ) Current Mood:  disgusted | | Wednesday, May 23rd, 2012 | 2:17 pm
[randomtasks]
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Q. Surrogate Issues: I have a difficult issue. My sister-in-law is dedicated to her career and she is using a surrogate to have a baby. They are doing this because they want a biological child but my sister-in-law does not want to take time off work to have a normal childbirth. Last week I was invited to a baby shower via Evite where you can see the other guests. The surrogate will be attending this shower with my sister-in-law and assorted guests. I guess I am old fashioned, because this all seems very awkward to me. I completely respect and understand using a surrogate if there are fertility problems, but that is not the case here. I'm also not sure what to say or how to act to either the surrogate or my sister-in-law at the shower. I plan to attend this shower because my sister-in-law has always been supportive of me and my children, but I am not sure what to say or how to act in this unorthodox situation. Thank you! ( Apparently if you use surrogates, you really don't want to be a parent and other people chews Prudie's ass out ) | | Tuesday, May 22nd, 2012 | 2:39 pm
[ladycrim]
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This angers me so much I can't see straight.
Q. Pressure To Adopt: My 16-year-old sister is pregnant. Initially she and the baby's dad decided they would place the baby up for adoption, although that wasn't an easy decision for them to make. Then they met a local anti-adoption activist who works with vulnerable mothers. The activist showed them studies that demonstrated kids fare poorly when they're not raised by biological relatives; she also told them numerous stories of unhappy adoptions. Since my sister and the baby's father don't feel capable of raising their child, even with the resources the activist told them about (WIC, food stamps), the activist suggested that a relative should raise the baby. Though my brother and I are both married and in our late 20s, he and his wife don't want kids and my husband and I don't want kids now. My parents are in their 60s and do not want to raise the baby either. The activist has been pressuring us, and getting my sister to pressure us, into raising the baby. We all feel terrible for not wanting this baby, but I don't think coerced parenting is ever a good idea. And I imagine there are hundreds of families who would happily raise that baby. Are we being selfish? What can I do to support my sister? ( Prudie advises, I spit nails ) Current Mood:  pissed off | | Monday, May 21st, 2012 | 5:39 pm
[jocelyncs]
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Twofer From Prudie!Chat: Control Over Other People's Kids And Uterii...
Q. Vegan Baby: My ex-daughter-in-law has full custody of my 18-month-old granddaughter "Kimmy." We always had a strained relationship, even more so after the bitter divorce she and my son went through, but I was able to get her to agree to let me visit my grandchild once a month. Last month I took her out to a park and fed her a nutritious lunch and snacks. When "Irene" found out I had fed Kimmy meat and cheese, she chided me for not respecting her decision to not feed Kimmy animal products. I am convinced that depriving my grandbaby of nutritious meat and dairy (except for her mother's milk) is abusive, and I called the authorites. Now Irene won't let me see Kimmy anymore, but the authorities haven't done anything either, as far as I know. I'm so sad and angry. And worried for my sweet little Kimmy! What can I do to make sure she gets well fed and taken care of? ( Prudie's response and mine... )*** Q. Prenup Dispute: My boyfriend and I recently became engaged and are, for the most part, happy and excited to be married, except for a disagreement over prenups. My fiancé has always been adamant about never wanting to have children, and he is insisting that I sign prenuptials basically saying that, if I ever become pregnant, he can divorce me and keep everything, and pay no child support whatsoever. I am undecided about whether I would like children, and it seems possible that my fiancé could change his mind when he is older. I am worried about possible future implications of this agreement, and also think this shows a lack of trust and an unwillingness to compromise on my fiancé's part. He is being very stubborn about this, though, and says he won't get married unless I sign the agreement. I love this man and really want to spend the rest of my life with him, but an agreement this severe just makes me nervous. What should I do? ( Prudie and I are both appalled... )**** Q. Re: “It seems possible that my fiancé could change his mind when he is older”: This sentence should be grounds to break any engagement. What are people THINKING when they say this about someone they propose to marry? ( Everyone headdesks together... )*** Q. Re: Prenup dispute: Prudie is right. That's not even legally enforceable. When I was doing mine, we were told that anything related to future children (custody, religious upbringing, residence, etc.) cannot be included in the prenup. Even if it is, a judge will never enforce it. If there is a prenup and it's in there, your fiancé should fire his lawyer. That's basic knowledge. ( And a little legalese... ) Current Mood:  thirsty | | Saturday, May 19th, 2012 | 11:27 am
[jocelyncs]
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Dear Abby: Parade Of Profane Narcissists...
DEAR ABBY: I'm 19 and have a dear friend, "Emily," who is offended by cussing. She literally has never said a curse word in her life. When I'm around her I never use swear words because I respect her and her friendship. My issue is that Emily gets very upset if people swear around her. There have been nights that she ended up in tears because someone used foul language. She also angrily confronts people on this issue. I commend my friend on her decision not to curse, but I think it's unrealistic of her to expect everyone in the world to bend to her morals. I also think it's wrong for her to try to force them. Abby, what are your thoughts? -- CHALLENGED FRIEND IN LARAMIE, WYO. ( Be warned - my response to this letter contains a lot more profanity than usual. I'm contrary that way. )*** DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Gina," is engaged but hasn't started making any plans yet. We have had some rough mother/daughter years but are now in a good place. When it's time, I would like my daughter to ask me to help her pick out her wedding gown. I have a strong hunch that Gina will ask a girlfriend instead. I also know that if I talk to her about my wishes, she'll say, "Sure" or ask me to join her friends. This may seem silly, but I want her to want just me to go. What do you think is the best way to handle this? -- MOTHER OF THE BRIDE ( Abby is lukewarm, I break out my bitch-slappin' hand. ) Current Mood:  bitchy | | Friday, May 18th, 2012 | 12:47 pm
[zinnea]
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Dear Annie: I am married to "Chris," a wonderful man. He was previously married and has major trust issues because of his ex-wife. I can handle most of this, but one thing has become worse over the past two years. Chris has this idea that I wear outfits that show too much skin and attract other men. But, Annie, I don't wear clothes like that. In fact, I gave away whatever I used to own that he didn't like (spaghetti straps, skirts above the knee, etc.). But he still says I look "too provocative." I wear only pants and high-necked shirts with sleeves, but it's still not appropriate enough for him. I offered to let him shop for me, but he refuses. I don't want to keep fighting about something so dumb — and that I know is due to his cheating ex-wife. But I have done as much as possible to show him I love and respect him. What more can I do? — Paying the Price for the Ex Dear Paying: Chris has become obsessed with controlling your appearance, and this is unhealthy. Right now, it wouldn't matter what you wore. Since he is getting worse, we strongly urge you to get some professional counseling, preferably together. Chris must learn to keep a lid on his insecurities so he can function more rationally, and a counselor will help you work on coping skills. If he doesn't get a grip on this, it could escalate into something that threatens not only your marriage, but also your personal well-being. Dear Paying:
Fuck counseling, get out now or as soon as you possibly can. If you have any doubts, call up his ex-wife and ask her what his excuse was for treating HER exactly like he's treating you now. He isn't abusing you because of his ex-wife. He's abusing you because he's an abuser. Things will never get better. | | Tuesday, May 15th, 2012 | 7:43 pm
[jocelyncs]
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| | Monday, May 14th, 2012 | 6:36 pm
[hexkitten]
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| 2:59 pm
[jocelyncs]
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30-Second Therapist: Another Nice Guy [tm] Goes "BAWWW!!!!"
Q: I'm one of those "nice guys" who gets complimented on the way he treats the woman he's with, and women in general. However, I always end up getting the soul crushing, "you're a nice guy, but not for me" good-bye; the "there's someone out there for you, but it's not me" statement or the "I love you, but not that way" speech. Each feels like an acid-dipped knife slowly being twisted in my wound. What does it take to be more than the "too-nice-to-date" guy friend who wears his heart on his sleeve, but never gets to be the boyfriend? Do I have to become the heartless guy that women seem to swoon over? —Nice Guys Finish Last ( Dr. Gilda gives good 30-second advice, mine lasts a tad longer.... ) Current Mood:  tired | | Thursday, May 10th, 2012 | 2:07 pm
[eacole72]
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| 11:23 am
[jocelyncs]
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Dear Prudence: Mom Harangues Adult Daughter To Get Cosmetic Surgery...
Dear Prudie, I’m a college student who’s a little chubby and doesn’t have perfect skin, but I’m able to look in the mirror and smile. Unfortunately, my mother doesn’t feel the same way about me. When I became a teenager she started telling me about the benefits of plastic surgery. I simply don't want to do it. I have tried explaining this, from polite statements, to tantrums, to cold indifference, with no effect. Once, when I was in high school, she told me she wanted me to come with her to visit my grandmother, but she pulled up to a plastic surgeon's office, where it turned out she had set up an appointment. It took my tears to convince the doctor that we were there without my consent. After we left, she refused to talk to me for a month. Now she constantly insists that men will not be interested in me because of my nose or other things. I’m going to a therapist, and it helps emotionally, but the therapist also doesn't see a way out. My father doesn't get involved in family issues and usually ends up saying if my mom wants something for me, it’s for my benefit. I'm going back home this summer. Next term, my face might not look how it does now! What can I do? —Button Nose ( Prudie's advice is quite good and sensible. I can barely be sensible for my raging. ) Current Mood:  enraged | | Tuesday, May 8th, 2012 | 6:00 pm
[hexkitten]
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| | Sunday, May 6th, 2012 | 2:13 pm
[jocelyncs]
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Sexism Sunday! (Amy Dickenson got all the doozies this week!)
Dear Amy: My son has been married for almost four years. Before they were married, his girlfriend/fiancee often joined us for dinner on Sundays. Both of them would always do the dishes afterward, and I appreciated it very much. What has happened in recent years, where daughters-in-law don't offer to help with the dishes? Or even help to clear the table? My son always helps to clear the table, but she makes no attempt at all and sits there like a princess. I asked my son one time why they used to always help before they were married, but once they became man and wife, that all stopped. He said that is how her family does it; if one is invited to their house, there is no expectation for a guest to help, and vice versa. Why am I expected to follow her traditions, especially when I always helped when my mother-in-law did the cooking? I've been on this earth for a lot longer than my daughter-in-law, and she expects me to go by her rules? — Upset ( Amy skirts around the blazing sexism. I don't. ) Current Mood:  annoyed | 8:32 am
[karnythia]
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DEAR ABBY: My 17-year-old daughter, "Corey," is in a two-year relationship with "Greg," who's 19 and in the Naval Academy at Annapolis. They have exchanged promise rings and agreed to make this long-distance relationship work. She went to visit him for Thanksgiving and he came home for Christmas. He also returned for spring break. He takes advantage of every opportunity to see Corey. We live in California and Corey is a junior in high school. Prom is almost here, and Greg has told her he doesn't want her to miss out on anything. I feel she should not go with anyone else -- that it's a sacrifice you make when you have a boyfriend. Well, she accepted an invitation from a guy "friend" and Greg said he was fine with it. I sent Greg a text message, and he repeated that sentiment. I believe Greg was thinking she wouldn't actually go to the prom and he was just trying to be nice, hoping she'd make the better decision. I am stressed that this may ruin her relationship and she'll be devastated. What's the etiquette? Is it OK for her to go to the prom with a friend, even if she has a boyfriend? -- ONLY WANTS THE BEST FOR HER ( Abby's response )( My response ) | | Friday, May 4th, 2012 | 11:20 pm
[northernwalker]
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| | Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 | 12:46 pm
[hexkitten]
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| 9:37 am
[mst3k4evr]
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I think this woman needs to find a new husband if she wants love.
Dear Annie: I am in my late 40s, married for 13 years. I was widowed early in my first marriage, and my husband is divorced with children. I knew from the start that we were from different worlds and had few common interests, but I thought that would change over time. Now I wish we had dated longer. Over the past seven years, we have had little interaction. I do my thing, he does his. We haven't been intimate or even affectionate for close to a year. We haven't said "I love you" in forever. Our flame has blown out. I have tried to speak to my husband about this, and he says I am making something out of nothing. We both are still young. I want to be embraced by longing arms, say I love you and know it is reciprocated. I want to cuddle, laugh, share, talk, look into his eyes with excitement and feel wanted. I'd even love to go to the movies together and hold hands. Am I expecting too much? -- Roommate ( Read more... ) | | Tuesday, May 1st, 2012 | 3:49 pm
[mage_989]
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Charles the Butler: Tips to Ensure a 'child-free' Wedding
Hello Charles the Butler! I’m really hoping you can help. My niece & her fiancé are trying to figure out how to create their wedding invitations, making the “no children” very clear. I was thinking that if the invitation is addressed to only “John and Jane” with the reply card also only having their names on it, that might suffice. They are worried that some in the family will still not get it. Do they write “adults only please” right on the invitation? We appreciate any advice that you can provide. Thank you, Sydney ( Charles gives useless tips ) Current Mood:  good | | Wednesday, April 25th, 2012 | 11:43 am
[jocelyncs]
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Annie's Mailbox: Oh NOES! Gays In The 'Burbs Again!
Dear Annie: Our neighbor, "Harvey," is a homosexual and frequently has various men stay at his house overnight — sometimes more than one at a time. Here's the problem: We have an 11-year-old son, and though Harvey is nice to him and a good neighbor to us, should we keep our son from any association with Harvey? My husband doesn't seem to think there's any problem, but one can never be too safe when it comes to protecting your children. — Sleepless in Seattle ( The Annies are lukewarm, as usual. I'm nuclear, as usual. ) Current Mood:  angry |
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